I'm taking a break from my Imaginarium blog posts to give an update on myself.
Oddly, it's been a while since I've just sat and talked about how I was feeling and thinking. I've been focused on Imaginarium and getting "Such is Life" to a point where people care about it and helping this friend and that with this and that and I haven't bothered to talk about me.
First off, I'm okay, generally speaking. The more and more I think about writing, the tougher it's become. I know some people say that "Writer's Block doesn't exist" and while I see where they're coming from, I've lost the inspiration for most of my works. "Such is Life" is stuck just after the beginning of Episode 8 and that's about to be reworked. "The Debt" is a victim of my personal writing crutch - more on that in a minute - and The Red Soul, I'm scared it'll never leave the outlining stage. There's even a new idea, "There's Something About a Girl in a Red Sundress" is a great idea and it's suffering right there with "The Debt". I can't even push "Conversations of Convenience" forward.
So what's this issue that's plaguing all my writing?
I'm in a hurry. There's a measure of insecurity that leads me to believe that no one wants to read my stories anyway, so I find myself wanting to rush through the story, not giving the story the necessary space it needs to "breathe", if you will. I'm working on this. I'm trying.
Outside of writing, I've been facing some tough realities concerning my health. I went to the doctor not too long ago and after some blood work, I was told that I have high cholesterol. Bad enough that I was put on a statin. Now, anyone that knows me well enough knows that I'm not a fan of meds. With this in mind, I decided I was going to take up walking. Since I was put on the medicine, I've been walking about a mile a day most days. I'm also going to physical therapy twice a week to work out some issues I'm been having throughout my body.
I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda scary. Just to think of how broken I feel inside and outside - it's tough. And while I can't say I'll get better, I will say I'll be alright.
I have to be.
People seemingly depend on me.
My kids look up to me.
I'm The Moon and for now, that still means something.
The "Broken Inside" thing is a reflection of my not-so-secret battle with depression. Depression sucks! And it's not always the sad, mopey, "oh woe is me" that people think. For me, it was...is... a general disregard for myself. I'll fight for your greatness and deny myself the same. I'd wake up and lie in bed - just because. I wouldn't eat, not like I was starving myself, but I just didn't care enough to make anything. Showering was sporadic I just didn't care. Sometimes I still don't.
With all this in mind, this pill has been a big help. No, it doesn't do anything for my depression or correct any chemical imbalances or anything, but it's been a motivator. See, I don't want to take this pill for the rest of my life, for so many reasons, so I started walking. I figure if I start walking and exercising, I can get into better shape and not suffer from high cholesterol. Then I can get off this pill. While walking, I work up a sweat, especially outside while it's getting hot early in the day. This sweatiness forces me to shower; it makes me take care of myself. It's amazing what a little bit of regular effort can do!
So yeah, my health, mental and physical, isn't the greatest, but I'm starting to care more and work on myself. I'm not better, but I'm getting better. I'm moving forward, always forward, forever forward.
To my family, my friends, my peoples - thank you for your love and support. I'm still The Moon and I still got you. I'm still here and I'm gonna be okay. We all are. We've already overcome every single one of our darkest days. Tomorrow will be no different. We got this!
- The Moon
DLHearnWrites@gmail.com DwanLHearn.com
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